I had a couple of minutes between responsibilities today, so I decided to do a "mini" while waiting for my next appointment. I reflected on how calm and peaceful I was, and how I should definitely keep this in mind the next time I get sad or scared or angry or overwhelmed. I imagined myself taking a minute to sit on my meditation cushion instead of crying myself into a tension headache.
And then I thought about this past week, and reality hit me. Who am I kidding!?! Do I really think I will be able to have the self awareness and mindfulness to stop myself before crying to sit down and center myself? I am currently in the last week of my last course towards a new degree, and I still cry about homework deadlines! I got so stressed out earlier this week, that one day I came home and took a 3-hour nap because I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore and was completely exhausted with a headache from the day before. Every course along this past 4-year journey has been one tension headache after the other, and yet I always end up doing very well on my assignments and in the courses. When will I learn!?! I spend all my time and energy worrying and stressing for nothing.
I recently shared an activity with my students about the online me/offline me where we looked at the different roles we play and the personalities traits that each role brings out in us. Below is the "me" I shared with my students:
Offline
mother- nurturing, playful, fun, silly, loving, caring, protective
teacher- serious, academic, professional
student- stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, cry a lot, worried negative, tired, cranky
(yogini, runner, coach, athlete, baker/chef, sister, friend, daughter, etc.)
Online
twitter- serious, academic, professional, academic technology
blogger- calm, relaxed, wise, yoga and meditation
student- polished, professional, great student, academic, serious
(facebook, reading news, watching Youtube, playing games, shopping, paying bills, etc.)
I explained to my students that when I am at home being a student, I am stressed and anxious and feel overwhelmed, as I always have as a student since I was in 6th grade. I worry about getting assignments done and not having enough time. I am a perfectionist, and it always takes its toll on me. But the person I present online as a student is very different, because what gets posted online is my final product, my professional, academic, serious, hard-working self. I am the same person in both cases, but very different sides of me come out through the process and the final product.
No matter how good my final work is, I never trust myself the next time around that it will get done, and that it will be good. The next time I get overwhelmed about an assignment or a deadline, I am hoping that by practicing my "minis" in the meantime, it will get me to the point where I can walk away from the stressors, breathe, and just witness the negative emotions until I am centered. And then I can do whatever needs to get done without any more tension headaches. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, or maybe just "putting it down on paper" takes me one step closer to my goal. Only time (and headaches) will tell...
Minis.....That is what I need. As I read the description of the different roles we play, I felt that you were describing me as a mother, teacher, and student. I hope I can relax now that we are done. The next thing I am going to worry about is my grade for this class.
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